i am about 28 1/2 hours from departing from this fair homeland of mine. i am off on yet another grand adventure... i am off to discover, not more of the world (although that is a nice bonus), but more of myself. i am leaving a town where i have been loved, where i have laughed, where i have cried, where i have become who i am.
it is 2:34 in the morning and i am struck with a cruel reality. i am alone. it is the holidays and it is so ever present. not alone in the all encompassing sense. no, i am loved dearly by many... but alone in a different sense. i am leaving this town in which i have almost been married twice. as the time approaches for my departure, someone told me of the impending engagement of the man i was to marry. my heart is in a strange, strange place. while i know that it was not meant to be for many reasons, i am still saddened with my oneness. my mom asked me earlier this week if i was afraid of being loved, to which i replied, "(insert word) yeah i am." only once in my life did i allow someone to love me, all of me, and they left. what is that to say of who i am? that is a question i don't know if i want answered. i am leaving this town with the pain it has brought, but also i am leaving this town with all the joy i have experienced here as well. it is bittersweet for sure...
so here i sit. about to go and face this loneliness in a whole new aspect, and i don't know what to do with it. it will be hard, this is inevitable, but it will be good. my heart is open. i long to be loved. i long to be me. i long to be loved as i am.
can i say what i will learn? no. but i can say that i will miss those who have loved me well. my friends, my family, my family of friends.
to those of you who have loved me in my darkest hours and brightest days, i will miss you dearly. you have been my strength and my compass towards the love of an Almighty God.
Thank you.
annie, i cannot say i know what you are experiencing because even if the circumstances are identical we each experience them differently...but on that same note, you know i'm all-too-familiar with the circumstance. it's because of this that i know that there will be extremely lonely days, many tears, and lots of questions posed. and it's also because of this that i know there will be countless times that your creator shows his faithfulness to you in full glory, that he will show you your 'aloneness,' too, has purpose. that he will answer some of your questions and bring peace to the ones he chooses not to.
ReplyDeletei love you dearly, annie. you have no idea how much i'm gearing up for this journey right along with you.
i love you.
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